Backslide

Well, here we are.

I've said it a billion times that healing is not a linear process, and like any skill you might learn, you have to stay in practice in order to continue making progress. Maybe I got cocky, or maybe I just thought I was farther along in my journey than I actually am. Whatever the case may be, I've learned in a very difficult way that it's time to go back to therapy. I guess the most important lessons we learn in life are usually learned in the hardest ways, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not feeling disappointed in myself for even needing to learn another hard lesson. And I know we're always learning, changing, growing, but shit, man.

Obviously, I've been having a rough time of it lately. I always try to be as candid as I can be here because knowing that sharing my experiences might help even just one person make a positive change in their life means the world to me, and it makes the vulnerability worth it. I've been so happy for so long. Like, really, really happy. I honestly don't remember the last period of time in my life where I felt so consistently good and just balanced. I'm not even sure I've ever had this long of a stretch where everything felt so easy to handle.

But it's important to remember that upkeep is still a necessary part of healing, even when you're feeling good. I started seeing my therapist less and less, and eventually stopped going altogether. I was aware that I still had some things to work through, but I felt pretty confident in my ability to handle them with the tools I'd learned in therapy and in my own late-night, rabbit hole research. I felt awesome...until I didn't.

There was no real trigger for me, either. I just woke up one day with a nagging in the pit of my stomach that started to grow. I thought it was just some anxiety I needed to get through, because I do have a lot of anxiety on a day-to-day basis, but it isn't usually all that disruptive for me. But a week went by, and even though there was nothing I needed to stress over, I found myself falling deeper and deeper into a black hole of anxiety. I ignored my feelings for too long, and when the first actually stressful thing happened, it all boiled over and I broke.

I made an appointment with my old therapist and talked to my doctor about potentially needing some help managing my anxiety because it had reached a point where I felt stuck in fight or flight mode, and I didn't know why. And if you're reading this and you have experienced, or are currently experiencing something like this, I am so sorry. Truly. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I reached out for help too late to stop the spiral and fell head-first into the dark in a terrible way. I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything I needed to do. Chores were going undone or only done halfway, I stopped making or posting content, and I found myself lashing out at people I care about. I slipped back into really shitty patterns of anxious behavior that did nothing but make the feelings of dread and panic worse.

I don't think that I've talked about attachment styles here before, but if you're on a healing journey, if you're having trouble understanding yourself or people close to you, or even if you're just curious, I highly recommend looking into attachment styles. I'll link a basic quiz at the end of this post if you're interested in learning what yours is. Attachment styles basically tell us how we form relationships and behave in them. And this is not just romantic relationships, either. It follows us through any connections that we make with other people. Our attachment styles are primarily shaped by experiences in childhood, but can also be impacted by other experiences throughout our lives, like past friendships/relationships.

I have an anxious attachment style, which means that I struggle big time with abandonment issues. When things with other people get difficult, there is a breakdown in communication, or even when someone just needs some space, I can get clingy, pushy, needy, etc. I have worked very hard to work through these issues in therapy. I've learned healthier coping mechanisms and how to more properly ask for what I need, and I've mostly figured out how to handle the need to hold on tight when a healthy distance is created between myself and another person. But some of those bad behaviors can still come out if I find myself triggered by something, especially if I'm already in a vulnerable state, and I will completely convince myself that everything is on fire and everyone hates me/is leaving me until I start causing little fires in different aspects of my life. Giving energy to these shitty feelings often manifests them in real life, or manifests other issues that make everything more difficult. It makes the fight or flight urge just that much worse and I will start subconsciously poking holes in things to try to justify the fact that my brain is telling me to run away as fast as I can, even when I'm actually perfectly happy exactly where I am.

But the good news is, no matter what your attachment style looks like, and no matter what negative responses it might pull out of you, change is completely possible. I found a new therapist locally, had my first session with a second session coming up in a few days. I told her that I want to specifically work on the attachment issues that have more recently come back up so I'm more prepared to handle bouts of anxiety or rough patches in my life the next time they happen, because they will happen. It's inevitable, unfortunately, especially if you are a person who struggles with anxiety and depression, or the triple whammy with ADHD added into the mix like yours truly.

All of this is just to say that you don't have to suffer in silence. You can always reach out for help. Learn from my mistakes and don't wait until everything feels unbearable to reach out to someone, and no matter where you feel you are in your journey to becoming a more well-adapted human, it's so important to continue seeing your therapist or practicing your coping skills.

Please remember that you are not broken beyond repair. I know it's hard not to absolutely beat yourself into the ground if you've slid back into bad habits (hi, it me, curb-stomping myself), but you've made it this far. Be proud of yourself for having made progress, give yourself some grace, try to forgive yourself for making mistakes, even big ones. We're only human, after all. We do stupid shit, we hurt peoples' feelings sometimes, we act like assholes, sometimes we're mean and we don't even know why. But as long as we say we're sorry when we need to, clean up our messes, and commit ourselves to learning and being better, things will be ok. They might be really fucking hard in the moment, but they will eventually be ok and you will be able to breathe freely again.

Be happy, be healthy, and know you are loved and valued, always.

If you're interested in learning more about attachment styles, here's the link to a good quiz with additional resources: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/